


I only need your love

by Isabeauu



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Sauli Koskinen RPF
Genre: Car Accidents, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-26
Updated: 2013-05-29
Packaged: 2017-12-13 01:23:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/818302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isabeauu/pseuds/Isabeauu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It wasn’t until he heard a very serious voice say something about the hospital in Los Angeles and a car accident his partner was involved in, that panic started to rise up. He probably asked what happened way too many times, but he isn’t sure. Somehow he did manage to let them know they had to call his mother. Leila is in LA, Adam thinks, and he can’t think of anything else anymore. Not even his mother’s phone number.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The crash

**Author's Note:**

> Not my best story ever, but definitely my longest (which is one of the reasons it's not my best). But I hope you enjoy anyway.

Sauli looks in his rearview mirror for what’s probably the hundredth time in less than five minutes and sighs. He hates driving through Los Angeles, but on times like these he has no other choice. Adam’s in New York for some recording, so he couldn’t bring Sauli to his latest photo-shoot. If he would have been in LA he would have, because also Adam knows how much Sauli really dislikes driving around LA when he’s behind the wheel.

Another look in his rearview mirror and Sauli never wanted Adam with him more than now. It started with 3 cars chasing him. Now there’s only one left, but the man’s just not giving up. He’s been following Sauli since he stepped out of the building a little outside of LA 15 minutes ago. Sauli would never understand the world of paparazzi. Never.

They had asked him questions about things he didn’t even know of that they were public. Or maybe he’d missed a recent interview his ~~boyfriend~~ fiancé had done. Of course, that happens, but he’s never been questioned about them. Hell, he was never questioned in general. Not without Adam by his side.

For a second he thinks about calling Adam and ask, but it’s late and Adam’s three hours ahead. The clock Sauli quickly looks at says it’s almost midnight. And with the thought of it being almost three AM in New York, Sauli decided to not call Adam. He just wants to be home, where the annoying cameras couldn’t follow him. According to his GPS he’s ten minutes from home. But Sauli knows it’ll probably be closer to twenty minutes. Los Angeles traffic is never dead. His thoughts are confirmed when a traffic light turns red right in front of him. It gives him enough time to see that there are two people in the car. One driving, one with a big camera in his hands.

“Fuckers”, Sauli sighs and concentrates on the traffic light. When it turns green he tries to get away as soon as possible, maybe a bit too quickly. Because suddenly the car is next to him, a flash temporarily blinds him. And then, when he has his sight back, headlights are right in front of him. They’re coming closer and it takes Sauli just enough time to realize what they are. He snatches his steering wheel to the right, where the paparazzi is still driving. Close – way too close. Sauli panics, feels his car collide with another one. The crushing sound hurts his ears. The world starts spinning. Breathing starts to hurt.

And then it’s black.

 

* * *

 

Sauli was right. Adam was sleeping. The paramedics didn’t know that, though. They had called Adam as soon as they knew who exactly was in the car they had to break open to free the person in it.

It was exactly that that had pulled Adam out of his dreams. He didn’t panic immediately, since his mother often forgot about time differences. It wasn’t until he heard a very serious voice say something about the hospital in Los Angeles and a car accident his partner was involved in, that panic started to rise up. He probably asked what happened way too many times, but he isn’t sure. Somehow he did manage to let them know they had to call his mother. Leila is in LA, Adam thinks, and he can’t think of anything else anymore. Not even his mother’s phone number.

“It’s in Sauli’s phone”, he chokes.

“Mister Koskinen’s phone was broken in the accident.”

“Oh God”, Adam sobs and can’t hold his tears any longer.

“Who’s your house doctor, mister Lambert?”

“She – uh. I don’t know!”

“You do. Calm down. Deep breaths.”

“How bad is it?” He chokes out. He gets out of bed and dresses in a loose shirt and grabs his comfortable pair of trousers. He then walks out of his room and crosses the hallway.

“We’re not allowed to tell until you get here. I’m sorry.”

Adam knocks and walks into the room. “Neil.” He gives his brother’s sleeping body a little push. And another one, until Neil wakes up grumpily.

“What?”

“Sauli. He -” He pushes the phone in Neil’s hands. “They need mom’s phone number. I don’t remember.”

“You better have a very good reason for this, Adam”, he grumbles.

It takes Neil only one minute to sum up his mother’s phone number. In the meantime Neil’s girlfriend, Elise, moved to Adam his side, not asking any questions but still stroking his back reassuringly anyway.

The moment Neil disconnects the phone he moved closer to Adam and throws his arms around his older brother. Adam can’t do anything but hide his face on his brother’s shoulder and cry.

“Baby, can you look online for the next flight to LA, please?” Adam wants to thank his brother, but when he lifts his head and looks into Neil’s eyes he starts crying even harder. Elise, still not knowing what exactly happened walks out of the room, heading for the living room, where Neil’s laptop is on the table.

In the room, Neil is still hugging Adam and Adam is still crying. His thoughts are all over the place and Neil is the only thing he’s sure of right now.

“I need to get to LA, Neil. Now.”

“Let’s go see whether Elise has found some tickets already. He slowly lets go of Adam and has to drag him to the living room. Neil, too, doesn’t know what the hell he should do, so he does nothing but his best. One of those things is not letting go of Adam’s hand. He can almost feel Adam pulling strength from it, and he can’t really blame him. But Neil is not used to Adam’s tears. He never knows what to do, so normally he would just laugh it away. But there’s nothing funny about this situation, not even the way Adam is clamping onto Neil.

“Hey honey, I called the airport and booked three tickets for first class for the flight of 6:42 AM. All the economics were gone already, sorry. We have to be there an hour in advance, though, since they still need to be paid.”

“Thanks, baby.” Neil presses a kiss to his girlfriend’s lips when she stands up from the chair. “You go get dressed, we’ll have to leave soon. I’ll go make a bag with Adam.”

“Neil. What happened?” Her voice sounds afraid, but she’s felt nothing but fear ever since the moment Adam walked into their bedroom.

“Sauli got into a car-accident and hour ago”, is the only clarification Neil gives, but it’s already enough for Adam to break down again and for Elise to gasp for air. “Go get ready, baby. We need to leave within half an hour.” Another kiss is shared and Adam can’t look.

What if he would never be able to give Sauli a kiss ever again?

 

 

* * *

 

 

In LA, Adam’s mother gets to the hospital as fast as she’s ever done and rushes to the info desk. She’s under a lot of stress and wants to get to her son-in-law as quick as possible, but still she manages to stay calm. Her heart is beating painfully against her ribs, or so it feels, and her entire body is shaking.

“I was called for Sauli Koskinen. He was brought in half an hour ago.”

“I will call the emergency department for you, madam.”

“Thank you”, Leila tries to smile. She fails, but the woman behind the desk doesn’t seem to notice.

After what feels like hours, the woman turns back to Leila. “What’s your name?”

“Leila Mitchel.” Twenty minutes later Leila is seated in a private room that’s now under Sauli’s name. The doctor had told her about Sauli’s injuries and about why they brought him to surgery the moment they had the results from the scan they had done, but she forgot everything the moment he said that they were doing everything they can. That’s when she started to realize what exactly had happened for her to be there instead of asleep at home. She tries calling Adam, then Neil and Elise as last hope, but none of them answers her call. She only has to look at her watch and do the math to realize that they’re probably on their way to the airport. A text confirms her thoughts.

****

_**From:** Neil, 01:15 am_  
 _We’re checking in and pay for tickets._  
 _I’ll call when we landed. We love  
_ _You. Xxx_

The partly unusual end of the text makes Leila break down. It was bound to happen. She feels like her world is collapsing, the ground disappearing from under her feet. So she does something most people wouldn’t do: she calls her ex-husband. It takes her to the end of the 3rd call to lose all hope, which soon reappears when her phone lights up and her ex-husband’s name is on it.

“Eber”, she chokes out, no longer able to hold it in anymore.

“Leila”, his voice sounds tired, “what’s wrong?”

“You have to get to the main hospital in LA. Sauli got into an accident and is in surgery right now.”

“What? When?!” Eber asks, putting his phone on speaker and pulling on his clothes from yesterday.

“Almost two hours ago.”

“I’ll be there as soon as possible.”

“Okay. His room number is -”, Leila walks out of the room and looks at the number on the door. “number 173.”

“Okay. I’m leaving now.” Eber had only packed some clothes quickly and hurried to his car ten minutes after his phone has woken him up. It’s a two hour drive, and although Eber plans on breaking some speed limits, he’ll drive very carefully.

“Alright. Be safe, please.”

“I will. I promise. Stay strong and call me whenever.”

“I will.”

Eber connects his phone to the Bluetooth in the car, so he can take any call while driving, and backs out of his driveway. “Was Adam with him?”

“No. Adam’s in New York. He’s on the airport right now. Neil and Elise are with him, thank god!”

“Good. He shouldn’t be alone right now. But I’ll let you go so I can concentrate on the road. My eyes don’t really agree with driving this late. I’ll see you soon.”

“Okay. See you soon.”

And then Leila’s left in silence again. No sound at all, except for her heartbeat and worst case scenarios in her head.

 

 

* * *

 

 

On the other side of the country Adam’s pacing in front of the large windows looking out on the many runways. Every other minute he sits down for ten seconds before standing up again. Any other time Neil would order him to sit down and keep still, but he can’t right now. The truth is, if Elise wasn’t there to hold onto, he would be right next to Adam, pacing along.

“How long still?” It’s the only thing Adam has been saying since they got to the airport. Right at that time the gates on their right open. First classers are let in before others, and Adam can’t get on the plane quick enough. He likes to think that the plane will leave sooner if he does. It’s the only reason he hasn’t turned mad yet. That, and Neil and Elise being there every second. Adam would normally be embarrassed, but right at that moment he couldn’t care less about the way his brother was sort of his lifeline.

“Thank God we’re in first class. I swear there were some fans out there”, Neil states and only gets a stare from Adam. Neil is pretty sure Adam hadn’t even heard what he had just said. So he looks at Elise, who’s on his right. “You okay, sweetie?”

“Just want to get to LA soon. How about you?” Elise answers tiredly.

“I’m holding up. I have to”, he nods to Adam, who silently started crying again. “Hey brother”, he says softly. “You holding on in there?” Neil knows Adam’s thoughts are haunting his big brother. They always do. “Try to sleep some more. You’ll want to stay awake once we get to LA.”

“This plane needs to start fucking moving”, Adam snaps and Neil is almost relieved. Adam had been way too calm about the entire situation. “What if we’re too late? What if Sauli -”

“Adam, don’t do this to yourself, please. Try to sleep. Time will go by faster, too.”

“As if I could fucking sleep right now. Sauli could be dying over there right at this moment and here I am sitting on a fucking airplane that won’t fucking leave and I just -” Adam breaks down, so Neil wraps his arms around him again. “I just want to be there”, he cries out and then starts producing heart-wrenching sounds. Neil holds him stronger.

“Slow your breath, bro.” It was scaring Neil, although he would not let anyone enjoy that information. There’s nothing enjoyable about it right now, though. “Look, the plane is moving. Now try to sleep a bit.” He turns to his girlfriend. “You too, baby. It’s going to be a long day.”

 

* * *

 

The doctor shakes Leila’s shaking hand, introducing himself before looking at the papers in his hand. Only to make sure he pronounces Sauli’s name correctly, even though he doesn’t. Leila doesn’t notice either.

“I’m doctor Miller.”

“Leila Mitchel. How’s Sauli?”

“Sauli was brought into surgery because he suffered a ruptured kidney, most probably when the car started spinning. We stopped the bleeding. Two ribs were broken, which caused his left lung to be punctured, but also that was treated without any complications. He will be short of breath for at least a week. We already gave a pain killer to make him as comfortable as possible, but it’s important that he doesn’t stand or sit up. Especially to make sure the kidney has time to heal.”

“That’ll drive him mad”, Leila laughs, a little reassured by the good news.

Doctor Miller snickers along. “I’m sure it will, but he’ll be thankful for it later on. Now, there are some administrative things that have to be taken care of, but only Sauli or mister Lambert can take care of those.”

“Adam’s on his way from New York. I don’t know when he’ll be here. I do know he will be in no mood to deal with paperwork.”

“There’s no rush. We totally understand. And then we’ll need a list of people that are allowed up, since the media will probably find out first thing in the morning.”

“Right. Uh… Adam’s father is on his way. Eber Lambert. And then Adam, his brother and Neil’s girlfriend, Elise. The others don’t know yet.”

“Is there someone in Sauli’s family we can call?”

“Sauli’s – shit!” Leila hadn’t thought about Sauli’s family yet. ‘I don’t – shit.” She mumbles and starts thinking. “I don’t have their phone numbers. Adam does.”

“I’ll see what I can do. Now, would you like to see Sauli?”

“Yes!” Leila jumps out of the chair and starts following the doctor, dreading the moment when she sees all the tubes connected to his body, but Adam wouldn’t ever forgive her for not being there for Sauli, even though he doesn’t realize.

She can’t stop herself from crying when they reach Sauli, still not awake from the anesthetic.

“He should be slowly waking up within thirty minutes. We’ll bring him to his room then, but he’ll be asleep most of today.”

“Thank you”, Leila says to the doctor while carefully grabbing Sauli’s hand. “Oh sweetie.” New tears appear, but she doesn’t let go of Sauli’s hand to wipe them away. “Adam will be here soon, honey. He’s on his way.”

 

* * *

 

“Can’t they hurry the fuck up?” Adam turns all attention to him, not caring that not only Neil and Elise were looking at him.

“Five more minutes, Adam. He’s on his way.”

“Not quick enough”, he snaps, fighting new tears. “I want to see Sauli, Neil. Right now! I need to make sure he’s okay.”

“Call mom. Let her know we’ll be there in half an hour time”, Neil tries, and succeeds, to distract Adam. Adam’s a mother’s child and they all know that talking to his mother will help.

So Adam reaches into his pocket, then into his bag, but his phone is nowhere to be found. “Shit!” The taxi arrives and they all get in before the driver has time to get out. Neil in the front, Adam and Elise in the back.

“The Cedars Medical center, please.” Neil wants to get there as soon as possible too. They lost three hours waiting for their flight, give long hours on the plane and they all just want to get there.

“I forgot my phone in New York.”

“Use mine”, Elise immediately says and hands her phone to Adam.

“Thank you”, Adam says while dialing his mother’s number. It doesn’t take long for her to answer.

“Elise, sweetie. Where are you guys already?” Leila walks out of the room to make sure Sauli doesn’t wake up even though he’s fast asleep.

“Mom”, Adam chokes out when he hears his mother’s voice. “We are -”, he has to catch his breath.

“Adam, honey. How are you holding up, sweetie?”

“I’m… Sauli?” in the car Elise has taken a hold of Adam’s hand, hoping it gives him enough strength, at least until they get to the hospital.

“He’s sleeping, honey. He came out of surgery seven hours ago, but he’s still very tired. The doctor says he’ll be asleep most of the next few days so his body can rest.”

“Is he -” It’s so hard for Adam to stay strong. “How does he look?”

“Adam, honey. He’s okay.”

“Mom”, Adam whines.

“No, Adam. I’m not letting you do that to yourself. Listen to me, sweetie. He’s got some cuts and bruises, but he’s alright. He’ll be fine in a couple of weeks’ time. Now, where are you?”

“About twenty minutes away. Don’t leave him alone, mom.” Leila looks into the room, where Sauli is looking around the room with half open eyes. Leila walks in and Sauli turns his head slowly.

“Hey sweetie”, Leila whispers when she reaches Sauli’s bed. “I have someone here who would love to say something to you.” Then she focuses her attention to Adam, who’s still on the other side of the line. “Adam, honey, he’s awake for a bit. I’ll give him the phone but don’t upset him, okay?”

“Oh god”, Adam cries out.

“Adam, calm down, honey.”

“Okay, please mom. I need to -”

“Here he is”, she presses the phone to Sauli’s ear. “It’s Adam, sweetie.”

Sauli’s eyes light up a bit at the mention of Adam’s name. “Ad-” And then his raw voice breaks. It burns in his lungs, so Sauli winces.

“Sauli? Baby, oh god”, new tears appear, but Adam forces himself to calm down and not upset his fiancé. “How are you feeling, honey?”

“M tired”, he mumbles weakly, already falling back asleep.

“You go back to sleep, I’ll be there in twenty minutes. I love you. I love you so fucking much, baby.”

“Love”, is the only thing Sauli can still force out before falling back asleep, but it has never meant this much to Adam before. Never.

“He fell back asleep again, honey. We’re in room 173, but you’ll have to talk to the woman at the front desk to say you’re here. There’s a list.”

“Okay.”

“And can you give them the number of Sauli’s parents? I didn’t have it and they still don’t know.”

“Shit! Shit, shit, shit! I didn’t think of – oh god!”

“It’s okay, honey, just give them the number when you get here.”

“I love you, mom.”

“I love you too, honey.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Fucking reporters”, Adam snaps the moment he steps into the hospital before he sees his father standing there. “Dad?” Adam walks right into his father’s arms. Eber holds him tightly until Adam steps out of the hug and walks to the woman behind the desk, no need to explain who he is or why he’s here. He just gives her the number of Sauli’s sister, Sara. He’d make the call himself but he wouldn’t know how to. All he knows is that he wants to be on Sauli’s side right now. It’s already taken him way too much time to get there. He turns around, not missing the many flashes.

“How did they find out so quick, anyway?” Neil wonders.

“Let’s get to Sauli”, Eber says quickly, causing Neil to give him a weird look.

“Dad?” Neil asks suspiciously while they walk to the elevator.

“Not now, Neil”, he just says. So Neil shuts up, knowing that his father probably has a very good reason.

Adam has never walked so quickly before, but when he reaches the room he stops, staring through the window at Sauli. “Oh shit. Sauli.” Adam cries, his father at his side immediately.

“It’s okay, Adam. It’s just some cuts and bruises. He’s going to be fine. Doctor’s promise.” And with that Adam slowly walks into the room, where his mother stands up, but doesn’t let go of Sauli’s hand. She does when Adam walks out of the doorway, his eyes focused on the blonde, small man in the bed. He grabs Sauli’s hand carefully and presses a kiss to it.

“Baby”, he whispers, because that’s the only thing his voice is able to stand right now. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here, baby.”

“It’s not your fault, Adam. None of this is your fault, nor is it Sauli’s.”

“What _happened_?”

“Some paparazzi followed him.”

“This is their fault?” Adam doesn’t want to hurt Sauli so he lets go of the younger man’s hand and presses his nails into his own hand. “They fucking caused this?!”

“We’ll have to wait for Sauli to tell us what happened exactly. All the police said was that he suddenly switched lanes without a reason. Only Sauli can tell what caused the accident.”

“I’ll fucking kill them. Whoever did this will -”

“Adam!”

“He’s fucking dead.”

“Save your energy for Sauli, honey. He needs you as much as you need him now.”

“Thank you for staying with him.”

“You don’t have to thank me, Adam. He’s family.”

“I love you, mom.”

“I love you too, honey.” Leila moves to give Adam and Sauli some time alone, when Adam thinks of something.

“Mom. Can you call Lane and let her book tickets from Helsinki to LA for Sauli’s parents and sisters? She can use my account for payment, whatever it costs to get them here as soon as possible. And a taxi and hotel rooms.”

“I will, honey.” And then she walks out.

Adam just stares at Sauli. “You’re so beautiful, baby, and we’ll get through this together because I love you. Thank you for not letting me down.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Adam, I can walk”, Sauli says four days later, looking at the wheelchair in front of the man he loves.

“Fine, but I’m carrying your bag and you’re going to hold onto my hand, baby.

“Not complaining”, Sauli giggles, quickly followed by a wince. “Stupid ribs.”

“You’re sure about walking?” Adam asks while helping Sauli put his shoes on.

“Damn, Lambert. The paparazzi should see you like this.”

“ _Don’t_. They can all kiss my ass.”

“I thought that was my privilege?” Sauli jokes, then blushes when doctor Miller walks into the room, no doubt about him having heard what Sauli said.

“Well, you’re obviously ready to go home, but remember what I said about sexual activities.”

“I’ll make sure he doesn’t forget”, Adam smiles and zips Sauli’s bag closed.

“You’ll make sure _I_ don’t forget? Right.”

Adam blushes, “Shut up, baby”, then turns to the doctor they’ve grown used to, no matter how sad that sounds. “I promise I’ll be good.”

Doctor Miller walks out of the room after having wished Sauli the best and reminding him about his check-up in a week time. Leila appears in the doorway with Sauli’s mother next to her, and Sauli still couldn’t thank Adam enough for taking care of everything, especially getting his family there. He knew it must have cost a fortune, but Adam had only said that the look on Sauli’s face when he saw his family entering the room had been worth it all. He said he’d do everything to put a smile on Sauli’s face, so Sauli had just answered that all it took to make him happy was for Adam to be at his side. Adam would make sure that was what was going to happen. He wasn’t going to let Sauli go.

“Ready to go home, sweetie?” Leila asks, a happy smile on her face.

“More than ready.”

“Let’s go then”, Adam grabs Sauli’s bag, then his hand and they slowly shuffle out of the room. With Sauli still being short of breath it takes them fifteen minutes more to get to the car, but nobody but Sauli complains.

“Will you sit in the back with me?” Sauli silently asks, almost begs, Adam when they finally reach it.

“I’ll be right at your side, baby. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know”, Sauli smiles up at Adam and pecks his lips. “Thank you.”

Adam hands his mother Sauli’s bag and guides Sauli to the back of the car. “Get in, baby.”

“Adam”, Sauli says when they’re seated in the back together, Sauli closely pressed to Adam’s side, almost clinging on for dear life, since he’s not allowed to wear his safety belt anyway.

“Yes, baby?”

“Sorry about your car.”

“Yeah, about that. You’re lucky you’re cute and that I love you”, he jokes.

“Yeah. Guess that comes in handy after all”, Sauli happily jokes back, trying to forget the fact that he’s in a car, about to be driving.

“But the moment that sexual prohibition is out of the way, I’m sure we’ll come to a daily payment agreement.”

“Daily?” Sauli smirks.

“Well, it was an expensive car. You’ll have to work your butt off.”

“It was an expensive car, indeed.”

“Very expensive”, Adam agrees and kisses Sauli happily. Just because he still can.


	2. The aftermath

“Sauli, we really need to go now, come on!” Adam’s waiting impatiently at the front door, glancing at his watch another time. They should’ve left nearly ten minutes ago and Sauli was still upstairs fixing his clothes. “Sauli!”

Sauli walks down the stairs slowly, trying not to wince with every step he goes down. “I’m here, I’m here. Damn, Adam.”

“We should’ve left ten minutes ago.”

“I’m sorry.” Together they walk out the door, and Sauli already walks up to the car while Adam’s setting up the alarm and closing the front door behind him.

“What took you so long, anyway? You were perfectly dressed when I told you we had to leave”, Adam says when they both get in the car.

Sauli puts on his seatbelt, trying to put it on parts of his chest which don’t burn from the contact. “My belt pushed onto my hips.”

“That’s the whole point of a belt. How else could they keep your pants up?”

“They pushed on my bruises and it hurt”, Sauli sighs and looks out of the window, avoiding Adam’s gaze.

“Oh”, Adam cringes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t -”

“It’s okay”, Sauli quickly interrupts, not wanting to get the topic started again. “This one’s okay.” Except it’s not. They all push and they all hurt his bruised hips. Sauli just told himself to man up while looking into the mirror, hoping he would make it through the evening.

He doesn’t tell Adam. Not even when Adam pushes his breaks hard when a car in front of him stops out of the blue to let a woman cross the street and the seatbelt presses on his ribs hard. He winces in silence, trying to get his breath back. Not only because of the pain, but also the panic of that one night gets back. The headlights in his face, the tolling and the helplessness. It takes some minutes, but he spends them watching out the window, hoping Adam is focused on traffic.

“Are you okay?” The question comes out of nowhere for Sauli, so he looks at his left in wonder. “You’re tense.”

Sauli relaxes his shoulders, thinking that’s what Adam is talking about, and sighs. “I’m fine, thank you.” Sauli sees the doubt shine through Adam’s eyes but doesn’t comment on it. Adam doesn’t say anything and instead lays his right hand on Sauli’s thigh, slowly stroking it with his thumb. Sauli closes his eyes. “Ignore”, he mumbles to himself, “ignore, Sauli.”

But he can’t.

“Can you please hold the steering wheel properly?” Adam does immediately, mumbling his apology. “It’s okay”, Sauli says. But again – it’s not. Nothing’s okay when he feels like the air is pulled out of his lungs, not only because of the worsening pain in his chest, but also the fear of another crash. He hasn’t felt safe in a car ever since the accident, which was a week ago. Eight days to be exact. Adam knows. The only thing Adam doesn’t know is the seriousness of Sauli’s anxiety.

The rest of the thirty minute drive is spent in complete silence, except for the quiet background music playing. “We’re here”, Adam speaks up when Sauli doesn’t react to him parking. Sauli snaps his head up and looks around, seeing the underground parking lot, and releases the seatbelt – finally. He takes a relieved breath and wants to get out of the car when Adam puts his hand on his thigh again. Only now, Sauli can’t say anything about it. “What’s up?”

“What do you mean, Adam? Come on, you’re late.”

Adam looks at the clock in the car and sighs. “Fine, come on.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Why don’t you just tell them they can’t ask me about the accident, Lane?”

“You know we want to make it look like you’re willing to talk about everything. It’s good for your image.” She replies while waiting for the elevator with Adam and Sauli.

“Yeah. It’s really good for my image when I get annoyed with reporters who keep asking the same fucking questions about the same fucking subject I don’t want to fucking talk about.”

“They care about you and Sauli.” Lane ignores the swearing, knowing it’s a sign of stress she does not want to encourage.

Sauli smiles at her remark and looks at the frown on his fiancé’s face. “Adam, come on. It’s okay.” Sauli tries but Adam just huffs.

“Right. Cause everything is okay today, isn’t it, Sauli?” Adam snaps, Sauli cringes and Lane frowns.

“Right”, Sauli sighs, “let’s just go home.”

“What about dinner?”

“It’s okay if you don’t feel like it anymore.”

Adam frowns. “But I do”, Adam emphasizes. “I’m not going to let one interviewer ruin my night.”

“Okay, fine”, Sauli snaps, “I don’t feel like it anymore. Can we go home now?” His belt is still pushing on his bruises and breathing feels like an fire is quickly expanding in his chest. On top of that Adam’s remark took Sauli aback, closely followed by a wave of irritation. Sauli’s patience disappeared throughout the day. First the doctor’s appointment this morning that didn’t go like he wanted it to, next the sudden change of plans since Adam had an interview booked he claimed to have known nothing about and next the car ride to the big building. Sauli had hoped that dinner afterwards would relax him, but it seemed like they weren’t going to get that far.

Lane catches Sauli’s eyes with big question marks in her eyes, trying to figure out what’s going on between the couple. Everything had looked fine when they arrived. “Dinner would probably be good, Sauli. Relax with your man. It’s been a stressful couple of days”, Lane tries. For a moment she steps into her role as a friend more as Adam’s employee. A big risk at this moment, but she takes it anyway. She feels like she has to so this wouldn’t escalate into something that would be in every magazine the next day without a doubt. It’s her job to avoid those kind of things.

Sauli listens. He always listens, but doesn’t reply this time. The only thing he does is look at the floor, cursing the damn elevator for letting them wait this long. That’s why he pushes the button again, hoping it will quicken the process. He wants to get to the car as quick as possible, because no matter how awkward the silence between Adam and him will be – he needs to sit down.

Adam looks at Sauli and sees his face change with emotions. One moment it seems like Sauli’s about to burst out into tears, but the next one, irritation is obviously there. As far as Adam can tell, Sauli’s been like this all day already. He woke up cranky, getting slightly better after he took his pain killers, but was more than just cranky when Adam came back from Abreea. “I don’t know what’s up with you today, but fucking snap out of it”, Adam snaps, his patience short after the interview that wasn’t about anything but Sauli’s car accident.

Sauli’s head snaps up. His eyes boring into Adam’s, and if his point wasn’t made already, his words make it crystal clear. “Okay, Lambert. You want to know what’s up with me today?”

“Enlighten me”, Adam challenges. Lane desperately attempts to calm both men down, knowing she’s fighting an already lost battle.

Sauli hesitates and looks back at the past couple of minutes. He wonders where exactly they went wrong and started getting annoyed with each other.

Just when he’s about to mumble to let it go because he doesn’t want to fight, Adam speaks up and says: “Come on.” And Sauli just can’t hold back.

“Fine. If you want to know _so badly_ , I wanted you there this morning and you know! I had to get there with a taxi with a man that drives worse than Sutan or Brad do. That’s one. I thought you were going to be there to hold my hand, since you haven’t let it go _all week_. That’s two. You want me to go on?”

Adam’s pissed hearing the accusations come out of Sauli’s mouth. “Sure, you’re on a roll, baby.” He bites.

“This probably isn’t -”, Lane tries again but is interrupted by a more than pissed Sauli.

“Your fucking _hair_ was more important than my doctor’s appointment!” Sauli almost yells and breathing is really starting to become a problem but he ignores the pain and keeps going. “And don’t tell me you didn’t know because you _did_ know! I thought maybe you wanted to be there to hear how I’m healing up. And here I was, thinking that you _actually_ cared, but no, you never even asked how everything went at the hospital. And all because your fucking _hair_ had to be done. Because it’s all about the hair, isn’t is, Adam?.”

Sauli doesn’t even know where the words are coming from. They don’t make sense, not even to himself. Adam looks like he’s about to kill right about now, the stress and worry and all the questions finally getting to him. Unfortunately, it’s the wrong person taking the blow. He grabs Sauli’s shoulders in a firm grip and stares into his eyes. “I can’t do anything about that! I wanted to be there, but do you think Abreea has all the time in the world? She has other clients as well, you know."

“And waiting a couple of days for your hair to get done would be that tragic?” This is ridiculous, Sauli thinks. All his arguments are invalid and he knows. If he could just keep his mouth shut, this wouldn’t escalate into something Adam regrets the second it happens.

Sauli struggles to get out of Adam’s grip, but Adam doesn’t let him go immediately. When he does, Sauli loses his footing and stumbles back against the wall. Not too hard, but still hard enough for a loud thud to sound through the hallway. Lane gasps and pulls Adam away from Sauli, who immediately falls onto the ground in pain, his arms in front of his chest protectively. He’s gasping for air that burns in his chest and seems to go out again immediately.

He can’t breathe.

Adam stares at what’s happening right in front of him – because of him, and gets sick to his stomach. “Oh God, no.” He falls next to Sauli on his knees and can’t help but feel his heart break when Sauli shrinks back from his touch. His breathing squeaks, scaring both Lane and Adam. Lane yells across the hallway to call 911 and turns back to Sauli immediately, rolling him onto his back and pulling his arms away from his chest.

“Okay, Sauli, listen to me, honey. I need you to calm down, okay? Can you do that?” Sauli shakes his head and keeps gasping for air, now mumbling: “Can’t breathe, can’t breathe”, repeatedly. “We’re going to try anyway, sweetie. Just follow my breathing, okay?” Sauli looks at Lane with intense eyes, and feels how her touch keeps his face in the same position. Even when he wants to turn his eyes to a crying Adam, Lane keeps his head in place. Adam can do nothing but watch in horror how his fiancé is fighting for air. And it’s all his fault.

“Kay”, Sauli whispers and desperately tries to follow Lane’s slow breathing. It takes him until the paramedics arrive, only to get into a slight panic again. “No hospital. Lane, please, no.”

Adam appears in the corner of Sauli’s eye, while the paramedic takes in Lane’s place next to him. “Sauli, calm down”, Adam cries, “I’m so sorry.”

“Adam, no hospital.” Sauli stutters and Adam starts crying harder.

“What have I done.” He gets up, no longer able to look at the pained face of the man he loves and giving the paramedics some space to do their work. He walks right into Lane’s embrace, crying heartbreaking sobs. “What have I done, Lane? I don’t know. Why did – oh my god. What happened?”

“Adam, you need to calm down as well. Give me your car keys. I’ll make sure they let you go with the ambulance and I’ll follow with your car, okay?”

“Lane, I’m so sorry”, Adam cries desperately.

“Adam, it’s okay. He’ll be fine. This isn’t your fault.” Adam looks up to Lane’s compassionate face, to Sauli who’s still lying on the floor with now an oxygen mask covering his mouth and back to Lane.

“It is! It is _my fucking fault_! Oh my god.” And that’s when Adam throws up all over the fancy carpet, the tension finally taking over his stomach. Immediately there’s a paramedic at his side as well, trying to calm Adam down. “This is all my fault. I shouldn’t – he just got out of the hospital.” He throws up again and the paramedic orders him to calm down and listen to him.

“Your partner is fine”, the paramedic says, obviously knowing who exactly Adam and Sauli are. Great, Adam thinks. “He’s short of breath. Now, normally we would just put him onto oxygen for a while and leave it like that, but since his history”, Adam knows he’s referring to the accident. “we’ll have to take him with us.”

“Is this bad? I mean -” Lane asks.

“We can’t know for sure until we take X-rays of his lungs. I don’t know anything about his condition after the accident, but –”

“His lung was punctured. He had to undergo surgery.” Lane speaks up, hoping she’s being helpful enough for them to treat Sauli as quick as possible. The paramedic nods and transfers the information to one of his colleagues, who asks about the other serious injuries Sauli suffered as a result of the car crash.

“Something with his kidney, I think.”

“Right”, the paramedic says. “Well, it is possible that his lung has taken a blow again and the wound reopened. We’ll take him with us and see from there.” He walks away again when Adam’s as calm as he possibly can be in a situation like this, helping Sauli onto a stretcher to roll him out. Adam gets up from the floor, fighting the dizziness and walking right after Sauli, the paramedic at his side again.

“Adam”, Lane says, “car keys!” As quick as Adam can he throws the keys at Lane.

“He’s right by the door in the underground parking.”

“I’ll see you in the hospital. You want me to call your mother and father?”

Adam nods before disappearing into the elevator.

 

* * *

 

“Stop saying this is your fault, Adam”, Leila reassures her son, who’s in the seat next to her clamping onto her hand. He finally stopped crying five minutes ago, but only because his energy is completely gone. There’s nothing left.

“But it is, mom. I pushed him into that wall and I should’ve known something bad could happen because the doctor said -”

“Adam!” Leila interrupts her son wisely before he can send himself into another panic attack. “Calm down, honey. First of all, from what Lane told me; you didn’t push him into that wall. Secondly; the doctor said he’ll be fine.”

“Because they have to!”

“They don’t”, Adam’s brother, Neil, buts in. “They have to be honest, and if the situation is not looking good they will either say nothing or say that they’ll do everything they can possibly do.”

Adam thinks about that for a moment, trying to believe his brother because he’s mostly right about things. But right now, in this situation, he can’t stop saying: “I’m such a stupid fuck.”

That’s why the doctor doesn’t come into the waiting room a second too early with good news. “Good evening. Are you here for mister Koskinen?” Everybody stands up and nods their head. “My name is doctor Morton, I’m the doctor who examined mister Koskinen.”

“Is he okay?” It sounds from every angle.

“His ribs took a blow, which caused the breathing difficulties. We looked into the file from his recent car accident to make sure we knew all the details. The wound in his lung could have reopened, seeing that it’s not too long ago since surgery and organs tend to be very sensitive for a relapse of injuries. Luckily, mister Koskinen’s lung hasn’t suffered anything but a firm blow. So if you follow me, I’ll lead you up to his room.” Everyone in the waiting room – Leila, Neil, Eber, Lane and Adam – start following the doctor out of the horrible emergency waiting room and lead them up to Sauli’s room. “We are keeping him over night, though, just to make sure. He’s still getting oxygen to make this as easy and painless as possible for his lungs and for him, but he can leave the hospital first thing tomorrow.”

Everyone nods, except for Adam. When they reach the room, he’s the only one not entering. Instead, he slides down the wall next to the door to Sauli’s room, head in his hands. He stole one look at Sauli through the little window and he can’t do it. New tears appear, and Adam doesn’t care about the doctors and nurses and visitors staring at him from across the hallway. He’s in pain. Not as much as Sauli, but he’s in pain because he caused Sauli to hurt. Sauli probably doesn’t even want to see him.

“Adam”, Lane says when she pokes her head around the door and looks down at him. “Sauli’s asking for you.”

Adam shakes his head. “I can’t, Lane”, he whispers and Lane has to crouch down to hear him. So Adam repeats himself. “I can’t go in there. I can’t see what I caused.”

“Adam. Maybe you should go in and listen to what Sauli has to say.” Adam looks up, surprised at hearing that Sauli actually _wants_ to talk to him. So he asks Lane, who just laughs at him. “Of course he does, silly”, she says sweetly. “The first thing he said actually was: ‘ _where’s Adam?’”_

So Adam stands up, rubbing inexistent dust of his clothes and follows Lane cautiously into the room. Immediately all heads turn to him before everyone starts leaving the room and Adam is left with Sauli. The latter just takes the oxygen mask off his face and looks at Adam for some time.

“Don’t beat yourself up, Adam, please.” Adam practically runs to the side of Sauli’s bed, grabs his hand firmly in his and starts apologizing over and over again.

“I’m so sorry. I know I shouldn’t have pushed you into -”

“Adam”, Sauli tries to shut him up. “Adam, listen to me, baby.” At the sound of the pet name, Adam shuts up and looks into Sauli’s eyes. “This isn’t your fault.”

“But -”

“No. Listen to me. Doctor Miller said this morning that my lung is still fragile. Too fragile. It should’ve been better already, but he said that it probably was because of walking around too much.” Sauli grabs the oxygen mask and keeps it in front of his mouth for a couple of seconds. It’s the only way his lungs don’t feel like they’re burning up while breathing. “I overdid things and that is not your fault. I’ve been in pain all day today and I know I should’ve told you, but I wanted to have a nice day and then dinner and everything would be good. As long as I ignored it long enough.”

“You should’ve told me, baby”, Adam whispers and strokes the side of Sauli’s face. Sauli leans into the tender touch.

“I know I should have. I am sorry. If I had told you this wouldn’t have happened. So please, don’t think this is your fault.”

“I pushed you.”

“You didn’t push me. Plus; I’ve been on the edge all day and I challenged you for something so stupid and little. I don’t blame you, Adam.”

“You should.” Adam looks at their linked hands, not wanting to see the pain in Sauli’s eyes before he grabs the oxygen mask again for a couple of seconds.

“I don’t. I still love you as much as before, if not more. Leila told me how you cried for half an hour straight. I’m so sorry.”

“You shouldn’t be the one apologizing.”

“I should’ve told you. I’m sorry.”

“So we’re good?” Adam hopes they’re good. He wouldn’t know what to do if they’re not.

“We’re totally fine, baby.”

A sigh of relief is Adam’s answer.

“Now put that mask on your face again, cause I don’t want you to hurt anymore.”

“Will you lay on the bed with me?”

“I -”

“Please? I’m cold”, Sauli pouts because he knows this is how he’ll get his way.

“You’re evil”, Adam just laughs and crawls next to Sauli, his arm under Sauli’s neck, and pushes a loving kiss on his lips. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.”

“Soooo, the lovebirds made up already? Behave, you two”, Neil laughs when he walks back into the room and drops himself into one of the comfy chairs. Sauli winces when he starts laughing, so Adam doesn’t know better to kiss his chest in hope for the pain to magically go away, and places the oxygen mask around Sauli’s lips with a little smile.  


	3. Blissful ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the reason it took me months to finish this story. I'm still not happy with the way it worked out, but I'm afraid that if I change too much I'll mess it up even more so I'll just leave it like it is. I hope you like it anyway :)

The sun is not even completely up yet when Adam opens his eyes. He stretches his muscles and looks at his right. Sauli pulled the blankets up to his chin and is still asleep. Adam smiles and reaches out the stroke some hair from Sauli’s forehead which makes Sauli toss a bit. Adam stills his hand and just watches. He can’t see them, but he knows the bruises have finally faded away.

Weeks went by with Sauli hissing with every movement and Adam hurt while watching, knowing he was partly to blame for Sauli’s discomfort. Sauli had never called it pain, even though Adam knew full well that Sauli _had been_ in pain. Sometimes even a lot of pain. But Sauli had never wanted to admit because he knew exactly how much Adam was beating himself up about what happened. Whenever Sauli wanted to talk about it, Adam found an excuse to change the subject as quick as possible, showing great discomfort whenever Sauli brought it up.

“Please stop reminding me about what I did to you, Sauli”, was the final thing he had said to Sauli. Or more like shouted, which caused another feeling of guilt after he’d seen the look in Sauli’s eyes. He'd looked so uncomfortable and lost. Adam had almost cried.

Adam almost started crying again now, but that’s when Sauli wakes up, so he forces the tears away. Sauli’s bright blue eyes open and immediately search for Adam’s presence.

“Morning”, Sauli whispers loud enough for Adam to hear and moves his body closer to the warmth coming from Adam. Not that he’s cold, but laying close to Adam is never bad. When his head is resting on Adam’s chest, Adam’s arm strong around him, he closes his eyes again and enjoys the feeling of Adam’s hand stroking his back gently.

“Morning, baby. Did you sleep well?” Sauli just makes an approving sound and Adam smiles. “Good.” Adam turns to his side, causing Sauli’s head to fall back onto Adam’s pillow, and faces Sauli. His eyes are open again and for a couple of seconds they just stare. The love, the warmth spreading through their veins, the comfort. Adam’s hand moves back to where they should always be if you ask him: Sauli’s body. He cups his fiancé’s hip and just relaxes like that, their faces only an inch apart. As they breathe the same air, they feel the same love and they both enjoy just knowing that the one they love with everything they own is right there next to them – not leaving. Even after all that happened.

“Is lunch with your mom today?” Adam thinks about the question but has to turn around for only a second to grab his phone from the nightstand and check the date.

“Nope. That’s tomorrow. We’ve got nothing to do today but relax.” He drops the phone back on the nightstand, or close to it. He doesn’t know where his phone lands, and he can’t really care because Sauli is right there next to him with only boxers and a very much revealing tank top on. Still Adam thinks he’s wearing too many clothes, but ever since the accident Sauli doesn’t feel comfortable wearing nothing to bed. In the beginning Adam thought it was because of the bruises, but they’re gone now. He knows. So he’s lost, but he never asks Sauli, because he trusts him.

Sauli’s hand, on the contrary, is able to enjoy the bare chest of Adam. So he does. It begins with just cupping his cheek, but then he moves his hand, letting it rest on Adam’s collarbone. “Okay”, Sauli whispers and moves closer, if possible, closing his eyes again. “So tired.”

“Go back to sleep. We’ve got all day.”

Sauli’s already falling back asleep. “Hmm. Love ya.”

“I love you too, babe.” He kisses Sauli’s nose lightly and also shuts his eyes, now only feeling Sauli’s breath on his face. It’s what puts him to sleep after only a couple of minutes. His hand is still on Sauli’s hip, Sauli’s hand is still on his collarbone. And it’s perfect.

 

* * *

 

The second time it’s Sauli who wakes up first, and it’s because the sun is shining in his eyes through the little gap in the curtains. His hand’s no longer on Adam’s collarbone. Adam’s turned to his back and now has Sauli’s hand lovingly laying on his chest together with his head and their legs entangled. It’s nothing new, though. They wake up like this most of the days.

And Sauli’s mostly the one waking up first. And he always does the same: he stares at his fiancé’s bare face. The freckles so obvious but in Sauli’s opinion they only make Adam’s face perfect. Adam had never and will never agree, but Sauli must have told him a thousand times already. They colour Adam’s face up, and Sauli feels honored in some way that he’s one of the few people who get to see Adam like this. Face free of make-up or whatever product, hair a mess and nothing standing between him and the person lying next to him. No worries, no tired smile, no doubts. Only beautiful Adam, and Sauli would never understand how he got so lucky for Adam to notice him almost four years ago.

It changed his entire life, but only for the better. Sauli’s world opened up the moment he saw Adam coming his way, having no idea who he was exactly. But it’s what brought them even closer. No restraint whatsoever. Just Adam and Sauli – meeting in a club on a night they never expected to turn out the way it did.

Sauli had shown Adam some parts of Helsinki, arm hooked around Adam’s. In his broken English he had tried to explain some things, and even if Adam didn’t understand a word of it – it didn’t matter. Because Adam had watched Sauli with so much interest in his eyes. It made Sauli feel so special, ever since that first moment.

And that’s how they got here today. Many years later but still so unbelievably happy. And at times like this Sauli has a hard time understanding what exactly made Adam fall in love with him. He never wondered how it was possible to fall in love with Adam so easily. It's Adam. He’s lovable.

You can’t do anything but love him.

Sauli smiles and pecks Adam’s lips. As a silent thank you for still being here. Especially after the last couple of weeks. They’ve been crazy, but Adam was always there at Sauli’s side. Every day he has at least thanked Adam once, but it still isn't enough.

Sauli’s so deep in thoughts that he doesn’t realize when Adam opens his eyes and just looks at Sauli with love in his eyes. “Hey baby”, he whispers and moves his hand to Sauli’s lower back.

“Hey”, Sauli whispers back and lays his head back on Adam’s shoulder. “Did I wake you up?”

“You can always wake me up with kisses.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Sauli snuggles closer, pressing a kiss to Adam’s chest.

For a couple of minutes they just lay still. No words, no looks shared. Just calm breathing. Then Sauli’s hand starts going down towards Adam’s hip, slowly sliding further towards his butt and letting it rest there. Adam doesn’t react to it verbally, but does move his hand to start stroking through Sauli’s hair.  He then presses a kiss to Sauli’s forehead and shifts a little, making it easier for Sauli’s hand to rest on his butt completely. So, of course, Sauli does.

He presses his body closer to Adam’s, feeling like he found home. “Love you”, he whispers to Adam’s chest, pressing another kiss on it, knowing that Adam likes it when he does that. From Adam’s chest he moves to Adam’s neck, pecking every part of skin along the way. Adam sighs and moans a little when Sauli’s pecking turns into light sucking, leaving one clear spot on Adam’s neck. And then another, and another. He likes claiming Adam, and Adam loves being claimed, never even covering up the love bites his fiancé leaves on his body.

“I love you too.” Another love bite, and Sauli looks at the artwork that is now painted on Adam’s body. It’s the most beautiful one he’s ever seen. “Especially if you keep this up. Baby, please”, Adam moans lightly and Sauli knows he’s getting there. “If you don’t stop now”, he pulls his head back, away from Sauli’s lips and looks at the man in his arms, “I won’t be able to stop, baby.”

Sauli doesn’t say anything, just moves his lips back to Adam’s neck. No more love bites are being made, but he does kiss the ones left not even a minute ago. He loves showering Adam’s body with kisses, if it wasn’t clear yet.

“Sauli?” Adam pulls away from Sauli’s touch, no matter how hard it is. The doctor had told them about the no-sex rule again, and very clearly so. Adam is pretty sure he’ll never forget ever again. No other conversation has ever been as awkward, not even the you-just-make-sure-you-use-protection-Adam lecture his mother had given him when he told about his first boyfriend at twenty years old.

“Please, Adam.” It almost sounds like Sauli’s begging, trying to get closer to Adam again. But Adam puts his hands on Sauli’s chest and just looks.

“Baby.”

“Make love to me, Adam. Please.” Now Sauli is kind of begging, but only because he wants to be close to Adam again. The closest possible.

“Sauli -”

“It’s been five weeks. I feel better. Please, Adam.” Sauli grabs Adam’s hand which is still on his chest and kisses it before leading it to Sauli’s crotch. “I need you to make love to me.” And Adam can feel the hardening cock under his hand and closes his eyes.

“The doctor -”

“Adam, please.” Sauli looks up at Adam with a pleading look. “The doctor said my lungs are fine.”

“I don’t know”, Adam whispers, but his hand does know. Because his hand starts stroking Sauli through his boxers, making it very hard for Sauli not to moan. “Are you sure?” Sauli tilts his head back and nods.

“So ready. Need you to love me.”

Adam’s hands slips into Sauli’s boxers. Feelings Sauli’s bare cock against his fingertips, it’s almost enough to send Adam in overdrive. “I love you. So much, baby.” It’s been too long since they’ve done this and Adam wants to make sure Sauli’s 100% sure before they really get started. Because once they’ve started, he won’t be able to stop anymore. He’s missed Sauli’s body too much, kisses and pecks and teasing not enough. And maybe he should have accepted the occasional blowjob Sauli had offered him.

 

_“I can’t have sex, Adam. The doctor said nothing about you”, Sauli had said but Adam still declined, not wanting to wind Sauli up._

But now it was happening and Sauli was so ready. Not only his words, but especially his body made it perfectly clear just how ready he was.

“Five weeks, Adam. Too long. Love you, baby”, Sauli mumbles, pressing closer to Adam’s touch. “So good.” He moves his hips forwards in hopes of more pressure. The light strokes Adam was giving him just weren’t enough. “Adam.”

Adam moves his free hand under Sauli’s neck, pulling him closer like that. He then pulls his hand back from Sauli’s boxers, tugging on them instead. They needed to get off. He needed to feel Sauli’s complete bare body against his. As Adam pushes Sauli’s boxer down with one hand, his other does the same with his own and Sauli’s hand immediately finds Adam half hard already. And if he thought snuggling close was like coming home, he was wrong, because this is. Being this close to the man he loves, knowing they’re about to break all the boundaries that keep them from doing this all the time. Because the truth is that they could. Because nothing feels as amazing as the trust and love both men feel while being as close as humanly possible.

When Adam moves back face to face to Sauli he can’t hold himself from pressing a kiss on Sauli’s lips. Full of lust but also love and care. Five weeks is long, and once they’ve started, it seems like a lifetime ago they were able to enjoy closeness like this. The past five weeks were always spent in fear of getting too close, scared to turn the other on. It would only lead to the one thing they weren’t allowed to do – sex.

Hands are roaming, touching every spot on the other man’s body, and for a couple of minutes they can only focus on that task; feeling the changes that their bodies made lately. They desperately want to know every detail again, because they seem to have forgotten.

Slowly, Sauli’s lips trace down Adam’s body, kissing every freckle along the way. It’s one of the things he’ll never grow tired of. Neither will Adam, since Sauli made sure Adam knew he loves the freckles. It had taken months to convince Adam he could love something Adam had cursed for his entire life, but Sauli had finally gotten Adam to believe him and Sauli likes to think it was worth every single moment where Adam put up his big walls.

“Baby”, Adam murmurs.

Point proven, Sauli thinks. One word, one emotion, so many feelings. He keeps kissing until he’s so close to where Adam wants him, but that’s exactly where he stays, no matter how much Adam tries to push him lower. He keeps kissing Adam’s bare skin, where pubic hair’s supposed to cover Adam’s body. Sauli can’t say he loves it more this way, he honestly doesn’t care whether Adam’s shaven or not. Adam, on the other hand, enjoys it so much more. Sauli’s touches seem to burn his skin, in a good way of course, even more. It’s so much more intense, and Adam will never get enough. Several times Adam had told Sauli to shave and experience exactly how it feels, but Sauli refuses to go bare. Even when Adam proposed to do it for Sauli. It had been close, especially when Adam had started stroking the subject of their conversation, but Sauli still said _no way_ to it.

So Adam enjoys for the both of them, hoping that one day he’ll change Sauli’s mind. Not today, though. For now, Sauli’s still kissing Adam, who’s still struggling to not force Sauli to go lower. It’s been long, too long, but now that they’re finally connecting like this again, they both do nothing but enjoy and let love lead their bodies.

“Sauli”, Adam moans when the Finn finally lowers himself. His tongue follows the length of Adam’s penis, tracing the vein leading him to the tip. And when Sauli finally closes his lips around the head, Adam barely holds himself. He doesn’t dare to, but looks down anyway, straight into his boyfriend’s sparkling eyes. Sauli licks and then retreats, his hand soon around Adam.

“Good?” He asks innocently, already knowing the answer.

“God, Sauli. C’mere, baby.” Adam’s hands reach for Sauli’s upper arms, trying to pull him on top of him. Sauli willingly helps. When he falls on top of his fiancé, he can’t help but move his hips to rub their cocks together. It was meant solely to tease Adam, but Sauli can’t help but moan just as hard as Adam. Sauli takes on a slow pace, Adam’s hands on his hips for support, Sauli’s hands in Adam’s hair. In between closing their eyes to not give in to the many feelings, they look at each other, sharing slow and loving kisses every now and then. They keep this on for, probably, way too short, but Adam basically _begs_ Sauli to hold still so he can catch his breath and make sure he doesn’t come yet. They both want this moment to last, but Adam’s so close that soon his entire vocabulary disappears from his memory. Only Sauli’s name still fills his mind. He keeps repeating it until Sauli kisses him quiet and moves away to lay himself next to Adam.

Breathing was already something unimaginable hard when Adam started kissing him back. But then Adam pushes up his hips and kept them there, putting more pressure on the touch. Sauli’s arms gave up on him. His chest collided with Adam’s and Adam’s cock was still rubbing against his own. A jolt of pain takes away Sauli’s breath for at least a couple of seconds. Adam, with his eyes closed, doesn’t notice a thing. Floating through emotions he thinks Sauli can’t take the amazing feeling of rubbing cocks anymore. Neither can he, so they both ignore the situation, be it for completely other reasons.

Sauli catches his breath, relieved to notice that the pain has already completely disappeared again, as Adam turns on his side to retrieve their bottle of lube before turning back to his fiancé, who seems to glow when he sees what Adam’s holding. For a mere second, where Adam isn’t touching Sauli, he can think logically. So he tells Adam he hasn’t showered or cleaned up. Adam shrugs it away, already coating his fingers richly with lube.

“No, Adam”, Sauli pushes the subject.

“Come on”, Adam whines. He knows Sauli’s always so hung up on hygiene and he knows he should be too but he’s about to have sex and it’s been _five_ fucking weeks. “We showered yesterday.” He tries, already knowing by the look on Sauli’s face that it won’t work and he’ll have to give in.

“Condom, Adam.”

“Baby, not there yet anyway.” He puts aside the lube and focuses on Sauli’s legs, trying to open them. But Sauli doesn’t let him. Adam can’t say it doesn’t frustrate him, but he complies. “Fine”, he snaps, his crotch starting to hurt now, “have it your way, cockblock.”

Sauli giggles, not at all affected by Adam’s complaints, when the older man grabs his hand and pulls him into the bathroom and into the shower cabin immediately. He finds it amusing how Adam always tries, knowing he won’t win anyway. Hygiene is the most important thing, even more so than fiancés with aching crotches.

“Not a cockblock. I just don’t want you to get another… what’s it called?”

“Cystitis. Not sexy, baby”, Adam grumbles while looking for the perfect temperature. Sauli giggles again. “Cockblock.”

“Shut up, you big baby.” Sauli crouches down again, wrapping his lips around Adam’s dick before the latter can say something. Adam squeaks, taking a hold of Sauli’s hair to keep his balance.

“Fuck, baby.” Adam’s hands are now both in Sauli’s hair, guiding Sauli’s movements. “Get up here.” Sauli does as told and finds Adam’s lips on his and the feeling of a hand going down his spine. Their hips are being pushed together and they both groan. “Sauli”, Adam whispers.

“Adam, please.” Sauli is so ready and looking at the water streaming down Adam’s body doesn’t make it any easier. Part of the reason why Sauli insisted on showering right now is this sight exactly. He should have known that it would make his legs feel like jelly and his cock pulse with want. Adam could easily tease Sauli and say he’s the reason this is taking so long, and if he could wait himself, he totally would.

But he can’t.

He doesn’t have to search long on how to tease the man in his arms. One finger pressed against Sauli’s hole apparently is enough to turn Sauli into a squirming mess.

Sauli moans when Adam’s index finger pushes inside Sauli’s body. His legs almost give up on him, so he grabs something – anything and presses his forehead against Adam’s shoulder. Adam can’t help but moan too at the sight.

Until Sauli begs for more stretching, Adam keeps penetrating with only one finger. He wants to make it painless, even though he knows it will at least hurt a little. It always does, and now it’s been five weeks. Five weeks since they connected in the best way possible. Five weeks since they made love.

Sauli moans again – harder – when Adam curls his finger in the right way. “Adam!” His hands move to clutch Adam’s shoulders, so he doesn’t fall down on his knees. Adam kisses the side of Sauli’s head in an adoring way, retreating his index finger, only to start pushing in two before Sauli can complain about the emptiness. Instead, he whimpers.

“That okay?” Adam asks to make sure it’s not hurting Sauli too much. He can feel the muscles contract around his fingers as if in protest against the intrusion. “Not too much, too soon?” Sauli shakes his head fiercely. Still, Adam takes it slow. Too slow, if you’d ask Sauli, but he knows it’s because Adam worries too much. Sometimes so much it’s not funny anymore. But Sauli doesn’t complain now. He lets Adam set the pace, because all he feels right now is the overwhelming, breathtaking love towards the black-haired man. Plus, he would probably not even be able to keep himself from coming right here, right now, if Adam chose to quicken the little thrusts. It’s as if Adam knows. He lifts his head off of Adam’s shoulder to look into hazy blue eyes.

“I love you”, Sauli sighs and kisses Adam. He only stops to catch his breath, but then goes right back to Adam’s lips. Adam’s fingers moving in and out of Sauli’s body, their hips pushing, colliding their crotches and they almost can’t take it. Sauli is the first to give in. “Stop.” Adam’s too far gone to hear, just pushes his lips back to Sauli’s. “Adam.” Another kiss. “Stop.” Too much. Way too intense. Sauli grabs Adam’s wrist blindly and pulls his arm away from Sauli’s ass, making the fingers pop out on the way and Sauli’s legs buckle. Adam kisses him again, which doesn’t make this any easier on Sauli.

“Did I hurt –”

“No.” That makes Adam grin, grabbing a washcloth hanging on the little rack.

“Too much?”

“Almost came with only your fingers.”

“It’s a talent.” Adam reaches behind Sauli’s back, sliding the washcloth in between Sauli’s cheeks, slowly washing him clean.

Anyone who thinks cleaning up isn’t sexy or erotic has obviously never tried to make it so. Sauli could come just doing this and the faces he’s pulling could be enough to take Adam over the edge with him. And when Sauli grabs another washcloth to do the same with Adam, it’s all they can take. So Adam tries to do this quickly, but not letting their collided hips part. It feels too good.

Then suddenly, when Adam finds themselves clean enough, he’s had enough. They lets the cloths fall to the ground, turning the shower off and pulling Sauli out of the shower. “Move.”

Sauli does, grabbing a big towel and holding it open for Adam to rub him dry softly and carefully. It’s their thing. Adam never rubs himself dry, Sauli never rubs himself dry. Today, however, they do it in speed tempo and then barely keep themselves up right while pushing and pulling each other back to the big bed in the center of the room. It’s Sauli who gets pushes back on the bed, pulling Adam with him and immediately they find each other’s lips again.

Careless kissing, tongues fighting with one another until they’re both a panting mess. Adam reaches in between their bodies to take a hold of Sauli and moves his thumb over the head. Sauli moans in Adam’s mouth and pushes his hips up into Adam’s hand. With Sauli moving frantically it takes Adam some time to get a good angle to not lose his grip on Sauli’s cock.

While stroking light and slow, he pushes one last kiss to Sauli’s lips and moves his body down so he can give the inside of Sauli’s thigh a light kiss instead. Then he focuses his attention on Sauli’s balls, sucking one into his mouth with Sauli moaning loudly above him. It only encourages Adam to keep on going, so he licks up Sauli’s length and kisses the head, that’s already wet with bittersweet-tasting precome. Sauli whimpers when Adam really goes down on him, clutching his fingers in the dark hair just because he has to hold onto something to not lose it all. Sauli moans when he feels Sauli’s hands pull his hair, only to push his head deeper onto his cock not even a second later.

Adam’s left hand pushes Sauli’s left leg up and Sauli immediately knows what’s coming. “Adam”, he moans and pulls up both his legs to give Adam more space to do whatever the hell he wants to do. So Adam does, starting with thumb stroking Sauli’s hole. Nothing more. Still it drives Sauli crazy to fucking _finally_ be touched right there again. He can’t stop moaning and begging and telling Adam to keep going because oh my god it feels so fucking good. To encourage Adam to take the next step he grabs the bottle of lube that’s next to him, then Adam’s hand which is currently stroking his thigh and doesn’t let go until Adam’s got a hold of the lube.

Message understood, because soon Sauli feels a cold slippery touch to his hole. Adam feels Sauli’s muscles contract and his penis pulse, and damn if that didn’t make Adam moan just as bad as Sauli who’s now mumbling Adam’s name. “Now, Adam. Please.”

Adam loves how Sauli always ends up begging for Adam’s fingers and eventually his cock.

Not making Sauli wait any longer, he pushes his thumb in first, making sure to pleasure Sauli until he’s squirming and asks for more. But Adam doesn’t give him more until he’s sure he can _take_ more, because Sauli’s so tight and Adam can do nothing but suck Sauli’s cock just a tiny bit harder. Anything to take his mind of how tight Sauli really feels and how he wants to open him up really fast so he can just be one with Sauli again completely.

It takes everything Adam has in him to not give in. He focuses on the fact that he doesn’t want sex. He wants sweet lovemaking. To make Sauli feel good and loved and cared about. Because all of those are true.

Jaw aching a bit, Adam withdraws his head, kisses the head one last time and moves back up to lock lips with Sauli. It’s starting to get messy, lust mixed with love and it ends up in Adam kissing the living hell out of Sauli. Sauli doesn’t care at all, because Adam’s kisses are always good and he’s definitely as involved in everything as Adam is right now. All the feelings, emotions and ideas from the last couple of weeks finally coming together and resulting in a heated, yet caring make-out session with Adam’s index- and middle finger easily sliding in and out of Sauli.

“Nghh, Adam. Baby, yes.” Sauli moans in Adam’s mouth, both his hands pulling Adam in closer and closer. It’s a very uncomfortable position for Adam to be in, but he tries his best to keep his fingers in place. With a plopping sound his fingers slide out of Sauli eventually, making the blonde man sigh in disappointment. “I’m ready”, he whispers to Adam’s ear, so quietly Adam almost thinks his overstimulated brain is fooling him, making him hear whatever he wants to hear. But when Sauli repeats himself, louder and more urgent this time, Adam knows it wasn’t his imagination speaking the words he wanted to hear so badly.

He complies. Because hell, he can’t stand not being inside Sauli for one more minute. He grabs the lube from where it’s laying on the bed, uncaps and pours a decent amount on his finger, coating Sauli’s hole one last time to really make it smooth. In the meantime, Sauli grabs Adam’s head closer again, pushing his tongue in Adam’s mouth in earnest. Until he feels the head of Adam’s cock touching the sensitive skin down _there_ and he feels like he’s going to lose it.

“Yes”, he moans right before Adam slowly pushes in. Only the head first, and he waits, leaning clumsily on the arms that’s not holding his dick in place at the moment. 

He can feel how Sauli’s trying to adjust around him. Muscles clenching so amazingly that Adam’s not sure if he’ll last much longer. That would be tragic; to finally do this again and then not even last for five minutes. He pulls out before pushing back in, a bit farther, mere seconds later. Enough to catch his breath and the sensation to disappear a bit. Moans fill the air between them, hands clutching everything within reach. Hair, thighs, shoulders. Any- _fucking_ -thing.

“God Sauli. Missed this so much”, Adam sighs when he’s finally settled in Sauli a couple of minutes later. “So good”, he continues when Sauli doesn’t answer.

Sauli can only moan and sigh and beg and curse because fuck it feels good to finally feel Adam like this again. “Missed this”, he sighs, oblivious to the fact that he’s only repeating Adam’s words. “Adam, yes.” His right hand moves across Adam’s bare back, landing on his fiancé’s butt and pushing him deeper. It causes a new round of moaning, louder than ever before and Sauli has to tell Sauli to stay still for a moment because it’s too much.

What Adam didn’t count on was the part where he’s moving. Because once he starts doing exactly that, thrusts nice and slow at first, all breaks loose and he ends up thrusting into Sauli with strong but careful thrusts, kissing lips and neck and nipples and fucking everything within reach. His one hand is under Sauli’s butt, holding him in the right angle to hit Sauli’s prostate with every thrust, big or small.

Sauli’s a squirming, moaning, sighing mess by now, but compared to Adam he’s nothing. Adam digs his fingers in the skin of Sauli’s thigh, moaning how close he is. He refuses to let go, though. Until Sauli tells him to he tries everything to not come just yet. Too soon, he thinks, but it only takes two minutes until Sauli can hear Adam’s breath catches, incomprehensible words  mumbled and sweet come filling him up just the way he likes it.

All this time, both men forgot all about Sauli’s throbbing crotch in between them. When Adam reached out for it in his blissful high, Sauli grabs his hand before Adam can and just holds on until Adam’s head moves up from where it was resting on Sauli’s chest.

“I want to fuck you”, Sauli whispers then. Adam faintly remembers Sauli washing him clean in the shower as well and it dawns on him.

“You planned this.” Sauli blushes and mumbles “Please?”

“God Sauli, you’re going to be the death of me”, Adam mumbles in between heavy breaths when he sees the look on Sauli’s face. Innocent, yet so sexy, telling Adam exactly how much Sauli would like to stick his dick up Adam’s ass. Instead of answering with words, cause Adam has to admit; he’s just not capable of doing that right now, Adam rolls off to Sauli’s side laying on his back, legs spreading easily and pushing the forgotten bottle of lube in the smaller man’s hands. It’s all the answer Sauli needs and soon his fingers are opening Adam up slowly but quick enough.

The erection Sauli’s sporting never disappears. How could it, when Adam’s looking so beautifully sexy laying beneath him.

And then when Sauli finally slides inside the heat that is Adam, his heart skips a beat and he knows that nothing in this world will ever feel as intense as this. Adam’s always awfully tight and Sauli’s pretty sure he’ll never really get used to it. Not that he wants to. Rediscovering Adam every time is something he’ll never grow tired of. That’s one thing in this world he’s sure of.

“Move, Sauli, come on.” Adam’s moaning and panting. It’s starting to get too much and he needs Sauli to come soon or his own erection will come back to life and that way they could go on all night. Each taking turns in coming. No matter how much they would both love to do that, they also both know that Sauli’s not up to that much physical activity just yet. It’s the most perfect, but also most tiring, activity they could possibly have picked.

Sauli’s thrusts soon start to get uneven and shaky. Adam encourages him to let go and just feel good just like Sauli did to him earlier. The approval was all Sauli needed to let go. It feels like heaven on earth and he swears he can hear angels singing beautiful melodies in his ears. But then that could also be Adam. Sauli’s not sure.

He falls down on top of Adam, still buried deep inside the man he loves the most on earth and sighs happily. “So good”, he says when he’s come down from the highest clouds possible. “I love you.”

Adam’s hands are resting on Sauli’s back, stroking lightly every now and then. “I love you too.” He kisses the side of Sauli’s head. “So much.”

Sauli slides to Adam’s side, making Adam pull a little uncomfortable face when sliding out. Seeing the slight pain on Adam’s features, he kisses his man sorry and Adam happily accepts the apology.

Sauli’s hands back on Adam’s chest like they were a couple of hours ago, Adam’s arms circling Sauli protectively, they share lazy kisses until they’re both hardly awake anymore. Adam grabs their sheets from underneath them when the sweat starts cooling on their exhausted bodies. He finds enough energy to make sure Sauli’s settled before moving his own body around the smaller man, face his in Sauli’s neck and it’s perfect.

“Love you, baby”, Adam says one last time so Sauli will remember, even in his dreams.

“Love you too.”

And they both fall back asleep, blissfully happy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry if all the mistakes that are definitely still in there annoyed you. I think finding someone to check my fics for grammar and spelling mistakes should be on my soon-to-do list.


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